I’ve been reading Oprah’s book recently, it’s called “What I Know For Sure” and it’s filled with short essays about what she’s learned in life and what she knows for sure about certain topics, Compassion, Connection, Love, for example. One thing I know for sure is that when you have nobody else to turn to, you will always have yourself. If you are a person that is completely in-touch with yourself, your personality and your inner thoughts, you know exactly what you have to do to in any situation. Other people in life are just there to guide you on the right path so that you know you’re not making the wrong decisions and it’s up to you to take it or leave it.
All throughout my third year at Uni, I knew it was coming, that we had to leave and everyone had to say goodbye. We wouldn’t be able to pop round to each others’ houses for a quick cup of tea, hungover gossip chats the next day after a night out in KFC would come to an end but most of all, the scariest part was not having your best friends there whenever you needed them. The truth was, it felt like somebody had cancer and you was just waiting for it to end. It was upsetting.
Yesterday one of my uncles passed away in his sleep after being in and out of the hospital with illness. I’m not 100% sure what the cause was or what entirely brought it on as i’ve not felt the need to ask my Dad or any of my family scouring questions about it, as you know, death is an extremely sensitive matter, so i’ll keep this post brief.
Every now and then, I come to a conclusion or a final stop to my thought trains and what comes of it is surprisingly good. At least for me anyway. Almost all the time I over analyse situations, minutes, hours and even days after something has happened and it drives me completely insane, I don’t know about you but I literally cannot help it sometimes.
When it’s time to say goodbye to someone it can hurt, whether it’s your boyfriend/girlfriend, your dad while you get on your train back to uni or your little brother when you leave your mums house but either way, it’s gonna be tough.
I’ve recently had to deal with something similar myself but it was a mutual decision, however begrudgingly we both agreed. What happens after that is in your own hands but what you find is that a person may say goodbye with dignity and leave it at that but sometimes in life, were greeted by unfortunate situations where salt is rubbed in the goodbye wound. That’s kinda how I feel right now.
I’m taking each day as it comes, trying to be as busy as I can but writing my thoughts and feelings onto this website gives me a platform to both release and if I can, perhaps help someone else through a similar situation.
I’m not gonna slander someone over the Internet though, because whether or not you say goodbye to someone, you still have to remember all the good times and let those memories guide you into recovery. And I’m not gonna beat around a bush here, I’m talking about a break up.
The issue in my situation is that age old saying: “the first knife cuts the deepest” – but one of my good friends reminded me last night and it’s something I’ll continue to remember is that although the first knife cuts the deepest, it’s probably the hardest I’m gonna have to go through something like this and I have to learn and grow from it in order to get on with my life.
Following on from this, and to anyone that reads this, the time I take now is to focus on getting the important stuff done, career wise. To use this experience to make me a stronger person and it’s somehow making me more motivated.
Anyway I hope this helps, or maybe it won’t, but I’ve always said that this site is a place for anything I feel necessary. So there you have it.
I feel like I can never find the time to blog anymore now that work is taking up so much of my time but needs must!
Over the past weekend, I travelled down to Littlehampton right on the southern coast of the country to celebrate Ollie’s birthday and spend some much needed quality time with him and R&R for myself. After a few weeks of planning and months of thinking on what I could do to make his day special, I decided that we were to stay in a hotel in London, go for drinks, celebrate with champagne and top the night off with fine dining on a fancy rooftop restaurant. I mean, if you’re gonna do it, you have to go all out at least once!
It all started at my 21st birthday when he gave me literally the most amazing and thoughtful gift ever: A box filled with envelopes which were labelled with things such as “Open when you need to relax and chill, when you’ve ran out of cigarettes, when i’ve left, when you’re angry with me” kinda things. Two of which were linked to other presents, the first was for when I needed to “relax and chill” which instructed me to open present number 2: A box filled with candles, bubble bath, chocolate and a can of vodka cranberry (my favourite). Later that night, I definitely needed to both relax and chill so I drew myself a bath, engulfed the bathroom with candles and ate chocolate. Whilst bathing in my own filth, I lost myself deep in thought thinking about how this guy who I met just short of a year ago has always looked after me, and even when we’re hundreds of miles apart, he continues.
So following on from his birthday presents and treating me for dinner, I was absolutely baffled wondering how I could top it and make sure he felt looked after for once, rather than me. To return the favour, I booked us into a hotel in Battersea called Hotel Rafayel on the Left Bank, which was pretty fancy for us.
That was the hotel sorted, now where do I find somewhere special to eat where I know it’ll be a night to remember… Of course! THE SHARD. To be honest, I thought about that about two months before I had even thought about the hotel or anything like that, so I thought to book a table, surely they won’t be fully booked this far in advance. Alas, I was proved wrong.
After just a couple of google searches looking for restaurants atop buildings or higher up so we could have a view of London, I came across The Madison, which on Google, looked pretty up market but also casual enough so we won’t be greeted by snooty hosts on arrival. So I called them up and arranged a few things to make it that bit more unique, they asked for the birthday boys name and how old he was gonna be. If i’m quite honest, I swear to God I just thought they were being nosey but whatever, I put the phone down and that was that.
Hotel and dinner sorted, now what can we do in the day whilst we have time in London… That’s right, you guessed it(?) – The London Eye of course! In the same taste as the hotel and dinner, the extra mile has to be done. Stupidly I thought that a private capsule wouldn’t be that expensive… After spitting out my tea, I went with the “champagne experience” instead, which (thank fuck) came with a fast track pass. It’s definitely not about queueing for longer than you actually spend on the bloody thing!
Taking all this into account, I felt like I had finally achieved what hopefully would be a perfect day out for us both that would be one to remember and for just once, I wanted to make him feel like he was special too, like we were both always looking after one-another. After all, isn’t that how relationships should be?
A couple of weeks went by and the weekend finally came, I was prepared with my posh clothes, scuffed up shoes and my determination. All went to plan, we got a free upgrade to a 2 bedroom apartment near the top floor and after our half hour on the London Eye, we decided to head down to Soho (as i’ve never been there before) and have a few drinks, slowly making our way around the (ridiculously expensive) bars. Feeling mildly tipsy and extremely impressed with what London had to offer us so far, we got our 5th Uber taxi of the day and made our way to The Madison for the pièce de résistance.
We turned up at the restaurant upon the rooftop which was filled with people and a few other bars. Whilst walking over, the pair of us kept looking around sort of in disbelief that we were here, amidst suited up Londoners drinking champagne in our non-designer labels and a strong desire to eat. All was amazing and further topped off by a dessert with “Happy 23rd Birthday Ollie” written in chocolate and a singing waiter who sung happy birthday in a very much Whitney Houston fashion. (It was amazing).
After dinner, we got in our final Uber of the night and headed back to our hotel both famished and shattered after the day. All in all, I’d say it was a success and I just hoped that he felt the way I do everyday: Cared for, loved and complete.
Throughout it all, working nearly 40 hours a week and saving up money, the pair of us still found the time to talk everyday and I found the time to organise his birthday. We’re all busy people, no matter what we do, we have shit to do about our day but we all need to find the time to make those that matter to us, feel like they matter to us. Find the time for them and they’ll find the time for you.
So i’ve finally graduated from university with a 2:1, God knows how. I felt like throughout all my time at uni that I was just coasting by, forever leaving things till the last minute (which I learned that everyone does, even the smart people). I’m incredibly happy with my grade, I know in the back of my mind that I could’ve gotten a better grade if I really applied myself but who doesn’t? With this in mind, I do feel like if I applied myself more and spent more time working on projects at uni that I wouldn’t have had the amazing time that I did. I went to a festival with all my friends on the edge of a cliff, I went to many a weird party on a farm and went to a few of those house parties that you see on American TV where there are wall to wall people. Although hectic, I learned a lot more life experience while I was there than I did about Journalism, but isn’t that the idea of university?
Now here I am, sat in the dining room under my Dad’s roof blogging about being an adult when really, i’m so far from it. Now is the time that I structure myself a plan for my future and make use of what i’ve learned. Most of that is literally saving up and moving to “the big smoke” in a shit load of months. In times like this, I feel like you need to consolidate all that you have, see what your positives are in your life and use them to propel yourself forward in the shape of a job and future prospects.
I’m currently working as a Front of House member at a restaurant called Wagamama’s. Which is Japanese for “naughty child”, weird huh? So whilst working as a naughty child member serving food and sitting people down at their tables, wondering when my time comes to trade shoes with the customers, I make the best of my week by fitting in gym time and social time making sure that all work and some play makes Andy a happy person. I feel like this is what you should be doing too! Yes, you my reader(s). We, as graduates, employees, PEOPLE, should make time for ourselves and make ourselves better people. Without sounding like a preacher, I feel like this is how we, as the human race will produce positive results for ourselves! Apart from this, we should always think about our future and what’s ahead of us. Yes, it’s all well and good saying “live for the now, think about tomorrow when it comes” but your life only comes to fruition with a bit of planning and a whole lot of effort.
Moving on from all my Ghandi talk, i’m now on my quest for adulthood. But I don’t really know what adulthood means. By book, i’m technically an adult when I turn 21 (which was in June), but I don’t feel any different, if anything I feel more depressed now that my student discount was revoked from me (sad face).
What i’m saying is, adulthood comes whenever you feel ready, it’s not a label that should be sprung upon you lightly but it’s a label that, to me, means something. It means you’ve made something of yourself as a person, isn’t that what life is about?
Apart from my job, I guess you could say I feel a little bit lonely at the minute. I don’t know whether it’s because i’m missing people or if I just don’t have the time at the minute to just stop and think to myself. I’m sacrificing things I don’t want to but I feel like I need to cut my losses in order to move forward.
I’m struggling to find satisfaction in a lot of things right now, I know that it’s gonna take months for me to save up to move to London and be with people I love but i’m just finding it hard to get by these days knowing that it’s gonna take so long, you know?
Satisfaction comes rare to me, I think. It feels like I can just never be happy with what I have. I’m literally hundreds of miles away with the one person I wanna be with everyday but all I keep thinking is that if we were to be together everyday, they wouldn’t be happy. It’s probably not the case, but i’ve been told i’m a “people pleaser”. What’s wrong with that though? What’s wrong with wanting people to be happy around you? If people are happy around you, you’d be happy in return yes?
I just have this never ending inevitability feeling. Does that make sense? I just never feel secure in what I do, it’s horrible. Feels like there’s never anybody that wants to hear my shit. Nobody that wants to hear me drone on about shit. People just generally tune out when I talk. Although I guess I would too. And because nobody wants to hear my shit, I tend to push them away and thus end up by myself.
I’ll leave you with this song which has been keeping me going. Every single word is what I feel right now, as cringey as that sounds. Go look them up or something.