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Keep Going

Every now and then, I come to a conclusion or a final stop to my thought trains and what comes of it is surprisingly good. At least for me anyway. Almost all the time I over analyse situations, minutes, hours and even days after something has happened and it drives me completely insane, I don’t know about you but I literally cannot help it sometimes.

There’ll be a time when I’m in work and a customer will say something weird to me and I’ll think about it constantly until I’ve come to a realisation or a conclusion about what it actually meant. More often than not my brain will make me realise that it wasn’t so bad or whatever it was, it was something extremely minor, ironically, after I’ve majorly thought about it for a while.

Not to continue going on about it, but, a couple of weeks have gone by since the break up and slowly but surely I came to a realisation that, if I’m being completely honest, I was blinded by the idea of being in a relationship that I wanted for so long that truly, I don’t think I was ever in love. I was just in love with the idea of it. I think that if I was in love that I would’ve taken it all way worse than I did, I cried once but since then I’ve been absolutely fine. I’m talking to new people and possibly going on a date soon. If you take into account everything that I’ve told you guys on this blog and how I coped with it, I’d say I did well. And truthfully it just makes me think that I was never in love with him.

We’ve now stopped talking and basically completely finished it, I’m not gonna bother contacting him unless he contacts me now and I’m fine with that. I’ve learned throughout life to see the greener grass and to see the glass half full in any situation, that way, although you can be disappointed and let down, you won’t be sad, you’ll be fine, not great, just fine. If fine gets you through your day then fine you shall be.

Earlier today, my colleague was talking to some elderly people who were reaching 90 soon and she asked them what their secret was, not to ageing but to getting through life and they simply said “keep going” and when you think about it, that’s all you’ve gotta do.

Anyway I’m starting my second shift of the day soon but I thought I’d share some of my experiences with whoever reads this in hope that it could possibly lighten your day (depending on which paragraph you read). Remember, if you’re going through a really tough time in life, you’re not alone with your problems, talk about it, write about it even draw about it, but whatever you’re doing, keep going.

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Giving Your All

I was talking to my oldest sister earlier today about some stuff I had recently gone through and she explained how it’s not just me that gives my all away, it’s her, my older brother and my other sister. We’re all givers. She went on to explain how although we give our all in everything we do, we were born and raised as strong people, if we get hurt, we bounce back quicker than most people.

I’d like to think that i’m strong minded but sometimes it makes me feel weak in comparison to others and the way they deal with situations. Whilst explaining about what kind of people me and my siblings are to me, my sister went on to say that giving your all isn’t a bad thing, it’s a great thing actually, some people just aren’t hardwired the same way and therefore take it for granted, which is how I should see what’s happened recently. She’s right in a way, all the way through that relationship, I felt like I was giving 110% in everything I was doing and if i’m honest, looking back on it now, I don’t even think I got 50% back. It just makes me feel silly for thinking that I was in love with someone so bad and blinded by what was really happening.

My problem with that relationship was giving my all and getting half back, I was so badly convinced that change was going to happen. People always tell you that no matter how hard you try, you can never change a person but I was never trying to change anybody, I was just trying to better both our lives. I went into that relationship at 20 years old unbeknownst to me what love was and how a relationship works and when I think about it, which is almost everyday, I keep thinking that I failed. That I had failed him as a person and that I wasn’t good enough to satisfy his needs. Which is true in some respect, we lived 200 miles away after we finished University, it was going to be hard but we were both working our arses off to get our stuff together and move to London together to close the gap and fix any issues we had. Of course, it was going to be a massive life change but at the end of the day, I loved him and I hope he loved me enough to trust me in that decision. Unfortunately, a job opportunity came up for him which meant he couldn’t move anywhere for 2 years. Which hurt a lot, because from that point, I just knew that our relationship was going to be damaged because of it. And now look what’s happened.

Another thing that gets me is that I gave him everything he wanted, I got him a sim card and a phone so we could talk whenever we wanted, I circled a whole lot of my future plans around him so that we could be together, I went the extra mile in absolutely everything to do with his birthday as of recent and the biggest one of all, I came out to my family for him so that he would feel comfortable to come up and visit. Don’t get me wrong, I was going to do it myself anyway but I don’t think nobody ever realised that I actually did it for him, not me.

As you can see from the stuff i’ve explained, when I commit to something I go all the way, when I love, I love hard. I will give you everything and more if you just give me your time, that’s all I need. The worst part about this whole break up thing is, if he said to me tomorrow, let’s patch things up, my strong mind would say no but my even stronger heart would say yes. :(

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A Thank You

This post is just a general thank you for all the people that sent me messages of support yesterday in response to my previous post. I even had a message from a person close to him which made me feel even better. Although what i’m going through is a little bit tough, the love and support from my family and friends has made this time in my life a whole lot easier to deal with. Even if they aren’t saying things too pleasant, BUT STILL.

I’m not really sad to be honest, I’m angered at very minimal things but easily the hardest thing is not having the texts, calls and conversations every day, which are now otherwise filled with chats with my Dad when it would otherwise be him. I feel like i’m doing surprisingly well in comparison to the other day, keeping my mind occupied at work is helping majorly. Someone even told me to get back on the grind again (no pun intended hehe), but to be honest, the thought of talking to another guy, never mind having sex with them, kind of cringes me a little bit. I don’t understand how some people can just rebound straight away it’s just like, where is your dignity and self-worth?!

Anyway, that’s all I have to say on the matter for now, if i’m doing fine now, after just 2 days, i’m sure i’ll be back to normal in 2 weeks! YOLO.

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Ta ra

When it’s time to say goodbye to someone it can hurt, whether it’s your boyfriend/girlfriend, your dad while you get on your train back to uni or your little brother when you leave your mums house but either way, it’s gonna be tough.

I’ve recently had to deal with something similar myself but it was a mutual decision, however begrudgingly we both agreed. What happens after that is in your own hands but what you find is that a person may say goodbye with dignity and leave it at that but sometimes in life, were greeted by unfortunate situations where salt is rubbed in the goodbye wound. That’s kinda how I feel right now.

I’m taking each day as it comes, trying to be as busy as I can but writing my thoughts and feelings onto this website gives me a platform to both release and if I can, perhaps help someone else through a similar situation.

I’m not gonna slander someone over the Internet though, because whether or not you say goodbye to someone, you still have to remember all the good times and let those memories guide you into recovery. And I’m not gonna beat around a bush here, I’m talking about a break up.

The issue in my situation is that age old saying: “the first knife cuts the deepest” – but one of my good friends reminded me last night and it’s something I’ll continue to remember is that although the first knife cuts the deepest, it’s probably the hardest I’m gonna have to go through something like this and I have to learn and grow from it in order to get on with my life.

Following on from this, and to anyone that reads this, the time I take now is to focus on getting the important stuff done, career wise. To use this experience to make me a stronger person and it’s somehow making me more motivated.

Anyway I hope this helps, or maybe it won’t, but I’ve always said that this site is a place for anything I feel necessary. So there you have it.

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Story Time: Finding The Time

I feel like I can never find the time to blog anymore now that work is taking up so much of my time but needs must!

Over the past weekend, I travelled down to Littlehampton right on the southern coast of the country to celebrate Ollie’s birthday and spend some much needed quality time with him and R&R for myself. After a few weeks of planning and months of thinking on what I could do to make his day special, I decided that we were to stay in a hotel in London, go for drinks, celebrate with champagne and top the night off with fine dining on a fancy rooftop restaurant. I mean, if you’re gonna do it, you have to go all out at least once!

It all started at my 21st birthday when he gave me literally the most amazing and thoughtful gift ever: A box filled with envelopes which were labelled with things such as “Open when you need to relax and chill, when you’ve ran out of cigarettes, when i’ve left, when you’re angry with me” kinda things. Two of which were linked to other presents, the first was for when I needed to “relax and chill” which instructed me to open present number 2: A box filled with candles, bubble bath, chocolate and a can of vodka cranberry (my favourite). Later that night, I definitely needed to both relax and chill so I drew myself a bath, engulfed the bathroom with candles and ate chocolate. Whilst bathing in my own filth, I lost myself deep in thought thinking about how this guy who I met just short of a year ago has always looked after me, and even when we’re hundreds of miles apart, he continues.

So following on from his birthday presents and treating me for dinner, I was absolutely baffled wondering how I could top it and make sure he felt looked after for once, rather than me. To return the favour, I booked us into a hotel in Battersea called Hotel Rafayel on the Left Bank, which was pretty fancy for us.

Outside the hotel

Outside the hotel

Our room

Our room

The champagne was waiting for us upon arrival

The champagne was waiting for us upon arrival

That was the hotel sorted, now where do I find somewhere special to eat where I know it’ll be a night to remember… Of course! THE SHARD. To be honest, I thought about that about two months before I had even thought about the hotel or anything like that, so I thought to book a table, surely they won’t be fully booked this far in advance. Alas, I was proved wrong.

After just a couple of google searches looking for restaurants atop buildings or higher up so we could have a view of London, I came across The Madison, which on Google, looked pretty up market but also casual enough so we won’t be greeted by snooty hosts on arrival. So I called them up and arranged a few things to make it that bit more unique, they asked for the birthday boys name and how old he was gonna be. If i’m quite honest, I swear to God I just thought they were being nosey but whatever, I put the phone down and that was that.

Hotel and dinner sorted, now what can we do in the day whilst we have time in London… That’s right, you guessed it(?) – The London Eye of course! In the same taste as the hotel and dinner, the extra mile has to be done. Stupidly I thought that a private capsule wouldn’t be that expensive… After spitting out my tea, I went with the “champagne experience” instead, which (thank fuck) came with a fast track pass. It’s definitely not about queueing for longer than you actually spend on the bloody thing!

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Taking all this into account, I felt like I had finally achieved what hopefully would be a perfect day out for us both that would be one to remember and for just once, I wanted to make him feel like he was special too, like we were both always looking after one-another. After all, isn’t that how relationships should be?

A couple of weeks went by and the weekend finally came, I was prepared with my posh clothes, scuffed up shoes and my determination. All went to plan, we got a free upgrade to a 2 bedroom apartment near the top floor and after our half hour on the London Eye, we decided to head down to Soho (as i’ve never been there before) and have a few drinks, slowly making our way around the (ridiculously expensive) bars. Feeling mildly tipsy and extremely impressed with what London had to offer us so far, we got our 5th Uber taxi of the day and made our way to The Madison for the pièce de résistance.

Drinks at Jewel by Picadilly Circus

Drinks at Jewel by Picadilly Circus

We turned up at the restaurant upon the rooftop which was filled with people and a few other bars. Whilst walking over, the pair of us kept looking around sort of in disbelief that we were here, amidst suited up Londoners drinking champagne in our non-designer labels and a strong desire to eat. All was amazing and further topped off by a dessert with “Happy 23rd Birthday Ollie” written in chocolate and a singing waiter who sung happy birthday in a very much Whitney Houston fashion. (It was amazing).

After dinner, we got in our final Uber of the night and headed back to our hotel both famished and shattered after the day. All in all, I’d say it was a success and I just hoped that he felt the way I do everyday: Cared for, loved and complete.

Throughout it all, working nearly 40 hours a week and saving up money, the pair of us still found the time to talk everyday and I found the time to organise his birthday. We’re all busy people, no matter what we do, we have shit to do about our day but we all need to find the time to make those that matter to us, feel like they matter to us. Find the time for them and they’ll find the time for you.

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Quest For Adulthood

So i’ve finally graduated from university with a 2:1, God knows how. I felt like throughout all my time at uni that I was just coasting by, forever leaving things till the last minute (which I learned that everyone does, even the smart people). I’m incredibly happy with my grade, I know in the back of my mind that I could’ve gotten a better grade if I really applied myself but who doesn’t? With this in mind, I do feel like if I applied myself more and spent more time working on projects at uni that I wouldn’t have had the amazing time that I did. I went to a festival with all my friends on the edge of a cliff, I went to many a weird party on a farm and went to a few of those house parties that you see on American TV where there are wall to wall people. Although hectic, I learned a lot more life experience while I was there than I did about Journalism, but isn’t that the idea of university?

Now here I am, sat in the dining room under my Dad’s roof blogging about being an adult when really, i’m so far from it. Now is the time that I structure myself a plan for my future and make use of what i’ve learned. Most of that is literally saving up and moving to “the big smoke” in a shit load of months. In times like this, I feel like you need to consolidate all that you have, see what your positives are in your life and use them to propel yourself forward in the shape of a job and future prospects.

I’m currently working as a Front of House member at a restaurant called Wagamama’s. Which is Japanese for “naughty child”, weird huh? So whilst working as a naughty child member serving food and sitting people down at their tables, wondering when my time comes to trade shoes with the customers, I make the best of my week by fitting in gym time and social time making sure that all work and some play makes Andy a happy person. I feel like this is what you should be doing too! Yes, you my reader(s). We, as graduates, employees, PEOPLE, should make time for ourselves and make ourselves better people. Without sounding like a preacher, I feel like this is how we, as the human race will produce positive results for ourselves! Apart from this, we should always think about our future and what’s ahead of us. Yes, it’s all well and good saying “live for the now, think about tomorrow when it comes” but your life only comes to fruition with a bit of planning and a whole lot of effort.

Moving on from all my Ghandi talk, i’m now on my quest for adulthood. But I don’t really know what adulthood means. By book, i’m technically an adult when I turn 21 (which was in June), but I don’t feel any different, if anything I feel more depressed now that my student discount was revoked from me (sad face).

What i’m saying is, adulthood comes whenever you feel ready, it’s not a label that should be sprung upon you lightly but it’s a label that, to me, means something. It means you’ve made something of yourself as a person, isn’t that what life is about?

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