So I’ve not posted in a long time, from February in fact, and within that time I’ve gone through a hell of a lot. My incredible beautiful Nana died last month, the day before my birthday, which led me through a war of emotions and in turn, made me stronger. When you go through hard times in life, it only makes you a stronger human capable of getting by situations a whole lot easier. As many of my readers know, who have been here since the start, know what I’ve been through this year and last. It’s been tough indeed but if anything, these tough times have taught me not to be so hard on others and myself.
With the new year now in full swing, I figured it’s time I cracked on with some more blogging and what a way to kick it all off by shaming myself and telling everyone about what i’ve done right and wrong in the dating game the past few months.
Whether you’ve just gotten out of a relationship or you’re just jumping on the dating wagon because people think your cats aren’t company (they’re lying) then here are my top tips on how to handle this new world of social media and how people generally get together online rather than that weird old thing where you meet your future lover in a club or a bar, I mean, who does that anymore? I recently had an encounter on a night out in Manchester, can’t remember how we met, what his name was when I left his house the next day or what he actually looked like properly. Said person actually turned out to be someone everyone fucking knew, joy.
I’ve been reading Oprah’s book recently, it’s called “What I Know For Sure” and it’s filled with short essays about what she’s learned in life and what she knows for sure about certain topics, Compassion, Connection, Love, for example. One thing I know for sure is that when you have nobody else to turn to, you will always have yourself. If you are a person that is completely in-touch with yourself, your personality and your inner thoughts, you know exactly what you have to do to in any situation. Other people in life are just there to guide you on the right path so that you know you’re not making the wrong decisions and it’s up to you to take it or leave it.
All throughout my third year at Uni, I knew it was coming, that we had to leave and everyone had to say goodbye. We wouldn’t be able to pop round to each others’ houses for a quick cup of tea, hungover gossip chats the next day after a night out in KFC would come to an end but most of all, the scariest part was not having your best friends there whenever you needed them. The truth was, it felt like somebody had cancer and you was just waiting for it to end. It was upsetting.
Yesterday one of my uncles passed away in his sleep after being in and out of the hospital with illness. I’m not 100% sure what the cause was or what entirely brought it on as i’ve not felt the need to ask my Dad or any of my family scouring questions about it, as you know, death is an extremely sensitive matter, so i’ll keep this post brief.
Starting Monday next week, I’m gonna be writing a post a day about topics such as the newly popular “10 Things To Leave In 2014” and other kind of serious topics such as how I dealt with coming out, leaving uni and moving back home, how I got my job and how to steer your life towards something meaningful and of course, how I dealt with a break up at the end of last year.
Every now and then, I come to a conclusion or a final stop to my thought trains and what comes of it is surprisingly good. At least for me anyway. Almost all the time I over analyse situations, minutes, hours and even days after something has happened and it drives me completely insane, I don’t know about you but I literally cannot help it sometimes.
There’ll be a time when I’m in work and a customer will say something weird to me and I’ll think about it constantly until I’ve come to a realisation or a conclusion about what it actually meant. More often than not my brain will make me realise that it wasn’t so bad or whatever it was, it was something extremely minor, ironically, after I’ve majorly thought about it for a while.
Not to continue going on about it, but, a couple of weeks have gone by since the break up and slowly but surely I came to a realisation that, if I’m being completely honest, I was blinded by the idea of being in a relationship that I wanted for so long that truly, I don’t think I was ever in love. I was just in love with the idea of it. I think that if I was in love that I would’ve taken it all way worse than I did, I cried once but since then I’ve been absolutely fine. I’m talking to new people and possibly going on a date soon. If you take into account everything that I’ve told you guys on this blog and how I coped with it, I’d say I did well. And truthfully it just makes me think that I was never in love with him.
We’ve now stopped talking and basically completely finished it, I’m not gonna bother contacting him unless he contacts me now and I’m fine with that. I’ve learned throughout life to see the greener grass and to see the glass half full in any situation, that way, although you can be disappointed and let down, you won’t be sad, you’ll be fine, not great, just fine. If fine gets you through your day then fine you shall be.
Earlier today, my colleague was talking to some elderly people who were reaching 90 soon and she asked them what their secret was, not to ageing but to getting through life and they simply said “keep going” and when you think about it, that’s all you’ve gotta do.
Anyway I’m starting my second shift of the day soon but I thought I’d share some of my experiences with whoever reads this in hope that it could possibly lighten your day (depending on which paragraph you read). Remember, if you’re going through a really tough time in life, you’re not alone with your problems, talk about it, write about it even draw about it, but whatever you’re doing, keep going.
I was talking to my oldest sister earlier today about some stuff I had recently gone through and she explained how it’s not just me that gives my all away, it’s her, my older brother and my other sister. We’re all givers. She went on to explain how although we give our all in everything we do, we were born and raised as strong people, if we get hurt, we bounce back quicker than most people.
I’d like to think that i’m strong minded but sometimes it makes me feel weak in comparison to others and the way they deal with situations. Whilst explaining about what kind of people me and my siblings are to me, my sister went on to say that giving your all isn’t a bad thing, it’s a great thing actually, some people just aren’t hardwired the same way and therefore take it for granted, which is how I should see what’s happened recently. She’s right in a way, all the way through that relationship, I felt like I was giving 110% in everything I was doing and if i’m honest, looking back on it now, I don’t even think I got 50% back. It just makes me feel silly for thinking that I was in love with someone so bad and blinded by what was really happening.
My problem with that relationship was giving my all and getting half back, I was so badly convinced that change was going to happen. People always tell you that no matter how hard you try, you can never change a person but I was never trying to change anybody, I was just trying to better both our lives. I went into that relationship at 20 years old unbeknownst to me what love was and how a relationship works and when I think about it, which is almost everyday, I keep thinking that I failed. That I had failed him as a person and that I wasn’t good enough to satisfy his needs. Which is true in some respect, we lived 200 miles away after we finished University, it was going to be hard but we were both working our arses off to get our stuff together and move to London together to close the gap and fix any issues we had. Of course, it was going to be a massive life change but at the end of the day, I loved him and I hope he loved me enough to trust me in that decision. Unfortunately, a job opportunity came up for him which meant he couldn’t move anywhere for 2 years. Which hurt a lot, because from that point, I just knew that our relationship was going to be damaged because of it. And now look what’s happened.
Another thing that gets me is that I gave him everything he wanted, I got him a sim card and a phone so we could talk whenever we wanted, I circled a whole lot of my future plans around him so that we could be together, I went the extra mile in absolutely everything to do with his birthday as of recent and the biggest one of all, I came out to my family for him so that he would feel comfortable to come up and visit. Don’t get me wrong, I was going to do it myself anyway but I don’t think nobody ever realised that I actually did it for him, not me.
As you can see from the stuff i’ve explained, when I commit to something I go all the way, when I love, I love hard. I will give you everything and more if you just give me your time, that’s all I need. The worst part about this whole break up thing is, if he said to me tomorrow, let’s patch things up, my strong mind would say no but my even stronger heart would say yes. :(
This post is just a general thank you for all the people that sent me messages of support yesterday in response to my previous post. I even had a message from a person close to him which made me feel even better. Although what i’m going through is a little bit tough, the love and support from my family and friends has made this time in my life a whole lot easier to deal with. Even if they aren’t saying things too pleasant, BUT STILL.
I’m not really sad to be honest, I’m angered at very minimal things but easily the hardest thing is not having the texts, calls and conversations every day, which are now otherwise filled with chats with my Dad when it would otherwise be him. I feel like i’m doing surprisingly well in comparison to the other day, keeping my mind occupied at work is helping majorly. Someone even told me to get back on the grind again (no pun intended hehe), but to be honest, the thought of talking to another guy, never mind having sex with them, kind of cringes me a little bit. I don’t understand how some people can just rebound straight away it’s just like, where is your dignity and self-worth?!
Anyway, that’s all I have to say on the matter for now, if i’m doing fine now, after just 2 days, i’m sure i’ll be back to normal in 2 weeks! YOLO.