With the new year now in full swing, I figured it’s time I cracked on with some more blogging and what a way to kick it all off by shaming myself and telling everyone about what i’ve done right and wrong in the dating game the past few months.
Whether you’ve just gotten out of a relationship or you’re just jumping on the dating wagon because people think your cats aren’t company (they’re lying) then here are my top tips on how to handle this new world of social media and how people generally get together online rather than that weird old thing where you meet your future lover in a club or a bar, I mean, who does that anymore? I recently had an encounter on a night out in Manchester, can’t remember how we met, what his name was when I left his house the next day or what he actually looked like properly. Said person actually turned out to be someone everyone fucking knew, joy.
Furthermore, here is my first rule of dating online: ALWAYS USE A PICTURE THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE YOU. Just kidding, look pretty but Instagram filter the shit out of that delicious snap. Now i’m not saying this to look fake on the internet or give people false hope for when they meet you in real life but when people are on their phones checking you out, it takes 2 seconds for them to swipe you left into the fugly bin, so you may as well give yourself a head start. Could you imagine someone coming across your profile and laughing at how ugly you are?
Second rule of dating online: If you’re using that jazzy new (not-so-new) app called Tinder that at least 70% of the single and desperate population use, you generally get to see a few of their pictures when having a quick gander of their profile, if they only have a one photo and its of them with sunglasses on pulling a weird face, SWIPE LEFT. It’s not a very good general first impression of what they are actually like, plus they look like a nob.
Third rule of dating online: If you’re gay and you use Grindr, never send any messages because lets be honest everybody on there is looking for quick hookups. Although if you’re after that, go for it, but don’t come calling me when you have chlamydia. Back to the point, never send anybody messages, just get them (Mean Girls Reference, Guess?), most of them will be “SUCK MY DICK” but take it as a compliment, someone taken time out of their day to ask you to perform oral sex on them, which is great!
Fourth rule of dating online: If you have your mind set on simply dating and letting it lead somewhere, don’t let somebody lure you into something where you may compromise your safety and your general dignity. I’ve read and heard countless stories where someone has gone out on a date and been baited into sex after a “few drinks” turns into a few STI’s. Never assume somebody is gonna be safe as houses with you but at the same time, don’t let meeting strangers tarnish you for life. It’s actually quite fun.
Fifth rule of dating online: So now you’ve been chatting for a while and it’s time for the first date, you prep yourself all ready, ready for them to see you from the distance and see how ugly you are and run away. Joking, of course. So you meet up, drinks are flowing, food is being consumed and it’s surprisingly going really well. Whilst on the date, really evaluate the person and try and get information that will be vital to determining their eligibility to you. That’s right, eligibility to you, exam the shit out that person, you’re a fucking catch and some average ass person ain’t gonna end up with you. No way. Once your date has come to an end, if you feel up to it, go for the “good night, this was great” kiss to see how their kissing game is. Too much tongue? They’re a slut. Too much teeth? They’re a biter and will attempt to rule your life. Too much saliva? They’re far more into you than you are them, they’re wet even at the situation. Now i’m obviously kidding with these kissing exams but they’re a good inkling into what they’re between the sheets.
Sixth rule of dating online: Get their Facebook, get their Twitter, get their Instagram, whatever, see what they’re like online, the stuff they post, the pictures they post and the tweets they tweet. This gives you a good impression of them and how they conduct themselves. If they’re still posting statuses in third person, don’t bother: “Has just had a big mac”, McAvoid. If they’re posting Instagram pictures like your mum does on Facebook, BLOCK. If their tweets are just pure shite on general matters perhaps in the news or national events, conversation is gonna be dry. #ByeBitch.
Finally my seventh rule of dating online: This is something I generally use myself with most people and it’s a spin off of something someone told me a while ago. That old saying “You can tell a lot about someone from who their friends are”, my version? You can tell a lot about someone by their music tastes. This is a good area to generally find common ground, music drives a lot of people, myself included and by asking who their favourite artist is or what their favourite song is, you can draw up a good picture of their character. I know, this can be vague as music tastes can vary from one end to the other but it’s just something i’ve done for a long time and it’s always been an aid to avoiding creeps.
So there you have it, these are just things i’ve learned both over the last few months and the past year or two when i’ve been dating people. From following these rules, i’ve been on a few dates with many different kinds of people and had a lot of fun, it can be absolutely pants-shittingly terrifying but also a whole lot of fun meeting new people. Just make sure that the person you end up with is right for you. I’ve made mistakes with exes in the past just generally not being right for me and i’ve learned from those relationships massively, i’ve grown from them and become the young man I am today.
I hope you enjoyed this blog, it’s a bit lengthy but take everything I say very lightly, these rules aren’t to be taken as DATING LAW but just should definitely be considered.