I was talking to my oldest sister earlier today about some stuff I had recently gone through and she explained how it’s not just me that gives my all away, it’s her, my older brother and my other sister. We’re all givers. She went on to explain how although we give our all in everything we do, we were born and raised as strong people, if we get hurt, we bounce back quicker than most people.
I’d like to think that i’m strong minded but sometimes it makes me feel weak in comparison to others and the way they deal with situations. Whilst explaining about what kind of people me and my siblings are to me, my sister went on to say that giving your all isn’t a bad thing, it’s a great thing actually, some people just aren’t hardwired the same way and therefore take it for granted, which is how I should see what’s happened recently. She’s right in a way, all the way through that relationship, I felt like I was giving 110% in everything I was doing and if i’m honest, looking back on it now, I don’t even think I got 50% back. It just makes me feel silly for thinking that I was in love with someone so bad and blinded by what was really happening.
My problem with that relationship was giving my all and getting half back, I was so badly convinced that change was going to happen. People always tell you that no matter how hard you try, you can never change a person but I was never trying to change anybody, I was just trying to better both our lives. I went into that relationship at 20 years old unbeknownst to me what love was and how a relationship works and when I think about it, which is almost everyday, I keep thinking that I failed. That I had failed him as a person and that I wasn’t good enough to satisfy his needs. Which is true in some respect, we lived 200 miles away after we finished University, it was going to be hard but we were both working our arses off to get our stuff together and move to London together to close the gap and fix any issues we had. Of course, it was going to be a massive life change but at the end of the day, I loved him and I hope he loved me enough to trust me in that decision. Unfortunately, a job opportunity came up for him which meant he couldn’t move anywhere for 2 years. Which hurt a lot, because from that point, I just knew that our relationship was going to be damaged because of it. And now look what’s happened.
Another thing that gets me is that I gave him everything he wanted, I got him a sim card and a phone so we could talk whenever we wanted, I circled a whole lot of my future plans around him so that we could be together, I went the extra mile in absolutely everything to do with his birthday as of recent and the biggest one of all, I came out to my family for him so that he would feel comfortable to come up and visit. Don’t get me wrong, I was going to do it myself anyway but I don’t think nobody ever realised that I actually did it for him, not me.
As you can see from the stuff i’ve explained, when I commit to something I go all the way, when I love, I love hard. I will give you everything and more if you just give me your time, that’s all I need. The worst part about this whole break up thing is, if he said to me tomorrow, let’s patch things up, my strong mind would say no but my even stronger heart would say yes. :(